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Jonathan's Realm of Infinite Wisdom and Intellect26 luglio An Update of SortsI'm kind of at a loss as to where I should start.
Another semester has come to an end at last. Which is good because I'm not really enjoying living in Camrose. I'm constantly plagued by feelings of restlessness and I guess looking at the root of the matter, I'm just not happy there. But short of wasting money by transferring to another institution I'll just have to suck it up. Frighteningly enough, I'm entering into my fourth year now and the reality that I won't be able to remain a student for the rest of my life is starting to sink in.
This summer I've started working in the Service Canada Centre for Youth which is a federally funded program aimed at helping kids find summer jobs. It's a pretty fun job, all things considered, because where else would I get paid to dress up and be in a parade or sit outside and run a lemonade stand? In addition to this I'm also working at Canadian Tire part time, which sucks, but I'm making pretty good money. Between the two of them I haven't had a day off in two months now and 3 days out of a week I'm working for 13 hours. So it's a little tiring, but there really isn't a lot for me to do while I'm home and I need all the money I can get in order to pay for my big trip at the end of the summer.
Thus far the plan is I'll move back into dorms (dreadful I know) and that same day fly down to Toronto. I'll spend 5 days relaxing, shopping, and taking in the sights and then the last two days will be spent at the Virgin Festival which is the reason for this trip. There will be a lot of bands I really enjoy playing, some of which I'll probably never have an oppurtunity to see again, so it should be a pretty good time.
Anyways, shockingly enough, you may actually see more entries from me over the rest of the summer as the number of students coming into our office here is slowly winding down and I basically look for any excuse to occupy my time. (I'm not really sure who I'm referring to when I say "you" since I highly doubt anyone comes onto here anymore, but still...) 30 dicembre Christmas Sucks.At last this horrible season is almost over.
I've decided that for next year I want to buy myself a small Christmas tree and decorate it with black ribbons and little angels hanging from nooses and on each angel put the name of a child that died due to starvation, AIDs, disease, civil war, etc. The senseless masses rampaging through department stores, practically frothing at their mouthes in the ectasy of consumerism are enough to make me nautious.
Now I know what you are all thinking, could it be that Jonathan's long latent sense of morality and social concience are finally emerging?
Well, probably not. I think these feelings of loathing for my fellow human beings are brought on by my all-time high levels of pessimism after having spent 2 weeks working a 9-5 job and then spending the evenings in solitude. Although I must admit that working for even part of my incarceration here in Cold Lake was a stroke of genius. If had not been for those brief moments of escape from the drudgery of sitting at home all day I would have lost my last semblances of sanity.
Oh well, only one more day of work left, one week left of being home, and one more New Year's Eve to spend in an empty house.
Maybe I'll go gaze upon the Emily Haines' tickets and cheer myself up. 02 dicembre ContemplationsI've been thinking a lot lately about regrets.
Nothing terrifies me more than the thought of being on my death bed and looking back at my life and wishing I had done something differently. I realize that life will always produce some regrets, but I'm referring to life-changing decisions or things of an equally grand scale, where you lie awake at night imaging what could have been.
My whole life I've always been the cautious type, and while I wouldn't go so far as to say I lament it, there are times when I wish I could be a little more carefree and spontaneous. Especially now, with the concreteness of responsibility and its sidekick, the looming threat of adulthood, approaching all too quickly, I can't help but feel like if I don't do something now it'll all be too late.
My friend Meredith suggested a while back that once we are finished our degrees here we should go to Thailand to teach English for a year. The idea really appeals to me, both in the sense of actually having a full year where I'm not in school and in experiencing a new culture far from my sheltered life here. The problem being that I had failed and dropped a course last year, meaning that I will be requiring an extra semester to complete my degree. My options then are limited to taking courses over the summer by correspondence, whilst working a full-time job over the summer or just shrugging my shoulders and shutting my mind to the idea. Or I suppose just going by myself, which I'm really not sure if I could do.
I really enjoy the lyrics from Bloc Party's song Waiting for the 7.18, "If I could do it again, I'd make more mistakes. I'd not be so scared of falling. If I could do it again, I'd climb more trees. I'd pick and I'd eat more wild blackberries." They kind of sum up how I've been feeling lately. I just have this deep-rooted suspicion that if I turn this one down it will resurface as I lie there sometime in the future, the last vestiges of life ebbing from my veins.
17 novembre MusingsSo the desolate winter wasteland has finally arrived. If it wasn't for Christmas bringing some cheer and color that is otherwise lacking to this monotone and bleak season, I really don't know if I would make it through. I was remarking upon this the other day to my friend Amy, when I started thinking about it, and for as far back as I can remember whenever the biting winds and stinging snow have brought my spirits too low I always think back to when I was little and our family used to go out camping.
Thinking about it further, these were never the happiest memories of my childhood, but for whatever reason they're always been the one's my mind instinctually turns to. I guess every winter simply meant that spring would be coming and with it the beginning of another camping year. Our family would load up our camper and truck (both of which were held together by some sort of strange grey glue my dad would slather all over them) and head off and just enjoy being together. Maybe that's simply what I miss the most, the feeling of a complete family.
Again, not to say that my parents are divorced or anything, but since leaving home it's just not the same, and I doubt it ever will be. I enjoyed how Zach Braff put it in the movie Garden State:
"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone... It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."
Who knows, maybe I'm just feeling a little too sentimental since I started writing this at 7:15 in the morning and my usual cynicism and lack of emotion haven't had time to kick in. Irregardless, I wish sometimes I could transport myself back to that time of innocence, take the yoke of responsibility off my shoulders, and have nothing better to do in a day than to explore in my backyard or play with Lego. Even as I write that, I know it isn't true and, ignoring senseless speculation, I would never want to actually return to that state. As much as we may hate it, it's only through hardship, pain, and stress that we begin to learn who we are and these are experiences we only begin to go through as we mature.
Well, I'm starting to ramble a little (ie. a lot) so I'll cut myself off here. 22 ottobre Commercials.Yet again I'm going to take a break from actually writing anything meaningful and instead share with you these two commercials (which I may have already shown to some of you, but they're definitely good enough to justify a second watch). Bravia #1 and Bravia #2 I'm pretty much in love with them, although I must say I still do enjoy the bouncy balls better. And you will all be pleased to know I didn't spend last night curled up in the fetal position, crying, but instead I studied for a while, watched the last episode of Lost season 2, and went out for a walk armed with my iPod and the introspective solitude brought on by Emily Haines' cd, "Knives Don't Have Your Back". This cd has quickly become a favourite of mine, almost as a result of it being such a departure for her from previous efforts with Metric and Broken Social Scene. She allows herself to become so vulnerable, that a certain amount of strength emerges from it. Anyways, enough of my rambling as I must unfortunately head back to studying my lovely perenchyma, gametophytes, sporangia, and oogonium. |
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